Darian's bottle talking

No Meaning

2010-07-27T23:09:00.000+08:00

I can't help it..I'm sorry..this post has no literary content whatsoever

See how clear the water is


Check out the wall

Tantalizing Final waits Akak FC

2010-07-08T19:05:00.002+08:00

Outside favourites Akak FC is one match away from winning the first ever Vuvuzela Cup after a hard fought semi-final match against Raju’s 7 FC.

Rated 146/1 to win the Cup, Akak FC didn’t look at all strong on paper as the manager named a totally make-shift side as most of their superstars are still involved in the World Cup.

The side started without a recognized goalie and midfield hard-man, Joel Black started between the posts. In front of him was Edward James who was unfortunate not to be called up to the Timor Leste World Cup squad as Darian Henry who has imposed a self-exile from the Uzbekistan international squad played right in front of the much improved James.

Timothy ‘Small’ Fernandez spearheaded the attack while on-loan John provided the creative spark in midfield. The five were chosen ahead of brothers Ramon and Mario Singho as well as Jude Alexander who is still not fit to play a full game.

The underdogs took the lead with two quick goals – one stunning individual effort from John while Small reminded his critics on why he is still regarded as the best goal-poacher of his generation.

Mid-game, the manager threw in surprise changes putting Darian in goal and took off Small, Edward and Joel for the introduction of the Singhos and Jude.

Lacking match fitness and playing in an unfamiliar position saw Jude and Darian let in 7 goals as Raju’s 7 FC took the lead for the first time.

Small came in for John and Joel for Jude saw Akak FC recollected themselves and reclaimed the lead through neat passing and clinical finishing.

Akak FC and Raju’s & FC continued to make changes and goals were just coming in for both sides. At the final whistle, Akak FC won the game 21-14.

Underdog tag did wonders

Speaking to the press after the game, Jude noted that going in as underdogs helped ease the pressure to win the game.

“I like the fact that we were given the underdog tags. It helped us focus on the game at hand,” said the full back adding, “When you look at the scoreboard at the final whistle, and you’ve realized you’ve won when the whole world expect you not to win, its an empowering feeling.”

Edward, who has just come back from holiday, on the other hand was more critical of the performance himself although he praised the team for their showing.

“For a while, I was lost, their attackers read my game and I found it hard to cope. I asked to be substituted. On the bench, I watched our opponents carefully and took mental notes so when I came back on the pitch, I was ready for them.

“I’ve got to be honest, we didn’t field our strongest side but the boys really showed what we are made of,” he said while waving to fans.

Ramon, the elder of the Singho brothers believed that Akak took their chances well and the team played well as a unit.

Selection woes as World Cup, injuries and fatigue takes toll on team

Akak FC might be facing a selection crisis as a large number of their players are still not training for various reasons.

Zachary de Costa has been the latest inductee to the injured list when he failed a last minute fitness test. The winger who has been complaining of a strain to his back is expected to be back in training in a few days while club skipper Rueben James is still nursing a hamstring injury.

Several stars including Marshall Francis and Timothy ‘Pato’ Chase are experiencing jetlag after their country; Mongolia was unfortunately eliminated by Austria in a nail-biting quarter-final match which saw the European side go through to the semis after winning the match via penalty kicks.

The Nepalese squad including Shaun Sandhu whom were also eliminated are held up in Cambodia after boarding the wrong plane from South Africa. To make matters worse, their vuvuzelas which the team brought back from the tournament have been confiscated by the Cambodian authorities as the device is said to be a new variation of transporting cocaine. The customs now risk the wrath of Sandhu.

In other news, Kaka, Gab, JJ, Ethan, Terrance and Colin (Trinidad & Tobago), Shwank and Surya Rao along with Francois (Pakistan) will face each other on Thursday evening’s World Cup semi-final match.

The fans however are optimistic that Aaron Mong will return to the squad sooner than expected as there are rumours of Mong experimenting physiotherapy and traditional massages to speed up his recovery from the knee surgery. Also, full-back cum goalie JaQuah who is on loan to Genting is expected to return for a week while Trevor James has taken up coaching and herbal sciences to help boost the team's work rate.

Another matter that is bound to anger the under-pressured manager is striker Anslem ‘Ratatouille’ Gomis’ excuse for missing the game against Raju’s 7 FC. The feisty striker claims he missed the train to the stadium.

Shit on the Radio

2010-07-08T13:18:00.000+08:00

Close to two years have passed and I hear same crap on the radio, not same songs but utter crap!

Here's some maths:

Anyhoo,

If we look at the evolution of the Blues, it started in Africa (a far cry from this Waka Waka nonsense) and it evolved into work songs that African slaves in America sung.

The songs they sung, My Lord...was of a higher intellectual and poetic matter. One that put their hardship, the heat, the long hours, sorrow, pain and even jokes, satirical content and much more into words and melody. Their first born would know of Africa through the songs sung, be it those call-and-return kind or straight up songs. Them working people sung the Blues.

When slavery ended, some Blues Men travelled up north while the others stayed down south. This emigration of the Blues Men proved pivotal for the development of the Blues.

However, we shall discuss Delta Blues, 12-Bar and Zeppelin in-depth some other time.

The Blues as we know it has evolved to various forms including hip swinging Rock & Roll, Jazz, Soul, Rhythm & Blues which all evolved further to Funk, Electric Blues, (now what we call) Classic Rock and it evolved more into Hip-Hop, Rap(Gangsta or not remains irrelevant), Pop, Pop (pronounced: ghey) Rock and much more.

So we have people like Elvis Presley, The Rolling Stones, Led Zeppelin, AC/DC, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, The Beatles, The Who, The Beach Boys, Procol Harum, Aerosmith, Bon Jovi, Bryan Adams, Joan Jett, Heart, Guns & Roses, Chicago, Boys II Men, James Brown, MJ, My Chemical Romance, KISS, Queen, Duffy, Aretha Franklin, Deep Purple, Orianthi and many more even a Chinese song I heard (not listened) producing/recording a variation of the blues or at least have some bluesy influence.

There is without a doubt that The Blues plays a significant role in today's music. But how the hell can you compare a very suggestive yet sexual A Whiter Shade of Gray to Pitbull's Hotel Room. It's just rude..ain't it..no taste!

Speaking of repetition, I just cant understand why Hey Jude's
Na....na na..na na na na......na na na na..Hey Jude

doesn't piss me off as much as Justin Bieber's
I'm not even gonna type it..dicks! :)

In conclusion, we have evolved, theoretically, we are a more smarter race compared to some 40 odd years ago. So start writing songs that will actually suit our 'intellect'. Don't insult us with

Your feeling that tonight's gonna be a good good night

How lucky you are to be in love with your best friend

We just don't make songs like THEY used to..sigh..

Ooh..have fun with this one:

Cursed?

2010-07-08T11:18:00.000+08:00

Have you abstained from buying pirated DVDs lately, like a teenager trying not to wank on Christmas morning and gone out to watch a movie (hell...any bloody movie. Pedophile vampires that sparkle, perhaps? Or Tin Man from Wizard of Oz's lean mean cousin fighting to save the world?)

Well, if you haven't (you cheapskate dick), go watch one before it's too late, but if you have, you'll notice a certain Nike ad.

In the ad, there are football stars playing in the World Cup (without the awesome vuvuzelas) running and jumping and kicking but whats more important is the split second before they make their next destiny altering move, their lives flash in front of them and by far Wayne 'Shrek' Rooney's is the funniest.

Anyhoo, the advert showed them achieving major success after the World Cup. Now, lets flip the back pages of the biased newspapers.

It seems that all the players highlighted in the ad are no longer in the World Cup and I know that this is pure coincidence, but isn't it fun building conspiracy theories about the sort of hoodoo Adidas cast upon the superstars of Nike right?

Anyhoo,

For all the cheapskate dicks, here's the ad..in HD..NOT!

Drogba, Canavarro, Rooney, Ribery, Ronaldinho, Ronaldo

Oh..Ronaldinho didn't even make the squad.

2 become 1

2010-07-07T13:22:00.000+08:00

Wokay..here's the deal when I said 2 become 1, I don't mean the Spice Girls thingy and I'm sorry for not indulging in your hermaphrodite-like (see attached picture) fantasies.

What I'm announcing is: A place to rant will soon be defunct and all the posts will be transferred here.

Well this is a low blow..get it? No? Dumb!

Ha Ha (say it like Nelson from The Simpsons)

When you've gotta go (Pt 1)

2010-07-05T20:33:00.001+08:00

Although this sounds familiar..I'm talking about my FRIEND..

HE...
...is in a band
...sings
...plays the harp
...shits whenever he wants ...shits wherever he needs

Of all places, one day after following a few friends get a tattoo and eating the legendary Satay Celup,

he felt a huge bowel movement (Praise Jesus for blessing him with lightning fast movements) and warned the driver of the car:

"I gotta shit lah, balls,"

The driver shot back a look through the rear view mirror, an evil scowl forming, menace building in his eyes unveiling deep demonic thoughts which have already masked the pain of the freshly inked tattoo.

However, despite all that build-up, what came out of his mouth sounded like Johnny Lever.

Johnny Lever

It's not important what he said, but the dick made me..I mean HIM go round and round in the car as the driver took wild turns and accelerated vigorously over speed humps.

His face reflected the motions of his stomach, twisting and turning, churning in discomfort. Then, it happened. My friend looked serene, calm and poised. With one hand on the safety rest and the other on pulling his pants and underwear away from his body, giving a 3-inch gap.

Little did they know, he already soiled his pants...a little bit... and was waiting for the smell to hit the car, knowing that it's air circulation would let the smell linger.

In a matter of seconds, came the question: "Who farted?" Of course with delight, He answered: "I just shat, balls..buahahahahahahahahahaha!"

Let's just leave it at that because the driver started cursing and swearing so bad, Lucifer would've closed his ears.

So, till we meet again, here's a song that has no connection with the story. And another thing, there's also a fountain story.

I'm back mofos!

2010-07-05T13:23:00.002+08:00

After a series of password and login retrieving sessions, I finally got my password and login back.

Clap laa, Dick!

Anyhoo, to begin with, here's something from Little Eddie:

Enjoy..or be ridiculed!

Team Updates

2009-03-25T13:43:00.002+08:00

In a surprise turn of events, star goalkeeper Sushil ‘Murugesu’ Nair (Mon) has rejected a four year contract offer and handed a transfer request to the club in the middle of a tremendous season at the PJ based club.

Announcing his intentions after an empathic victory last Thursday, Mon admitted that although his departure is at the crucial time of the season, his exit is inevitable although he hinted at a possible return to the club.

I know it’s not the best time to leave the team but it’s a very hard decision but we’ll never know, I might end my career here or somewhere else,” said Mon.

A source close to the club has revealed various reasons sparking Mon’s departure. Among them is the on-field bickering with hot-cold forward, Shaun Sandhu who is allegedly unhappy with Mon’s distribution of the ball.

Another possible reason for his departure is said to be the backlash of a prank gone wrong by senior marketing manager, Trevor James.

According a personal friend of the ‘keeper, James had promised an endorsed pair of gloves and only found out of the prank moments before the match, where the team suffered their worst lost of the season, a 22-14 drubbing.

Mon’s final game for the club will be against a mystery side tomorrow where a win would put the club in strong contention for their first title after a mixed last season, seeing them missing out for a place in the continent’s elite competition.

Club president, Jude Alexander has played down suggestions of unrest in the dressing room saying that the club has come a long way and will be able to cope despite the departure of Mon.

“The team is playing well and we’ve finally got a good flow of things. We have turned ourselves into strong title contenders,” said the president before adding, “Mon will be greatly missed but I feel we have enough cover. He’s a great player and we wish him all the best at his new club.”

Trevor James looks set to return in between the sticks next week where he made a name for himself last season and parts of this season after a shock withdrawal from Monday’s training session. He had difficulty breathing and had gone to receive treatment.

In his last match, Mon will have the familiar back three of Jude Alexander, Colin Sta Maria and Joshua Gerard in front of him while the midfield looks rich with Kaka and Zach “Bulls” de Costa anchoring leaving Shaun Sandhu and Trevor James roaming the flanks. Timothy “Smalls” Fernandez will be spearheading the attack with club captain Rueben Moissinac supporting him.

Shwanky should be able to make the bench alongside brothers Ramon and Mario Singho among a host of other talented players, including the Handsome Boys FC.

While Mon becomes be the second player to leave the club after solid defender Theo Oliver’s loan move to another club, the club had officially unveiled recent signings Rayfeal “Kaka” Lopez, Shankara “Shwanky” Rao and Suria, who is trying hard to break into the first team.

Meanwhile, the injury-list of the club has also grown with Shwanky becoming its latest inductee after straining his groin during the last match which will keep him out for five days.

Aaron Mong is also recovering from an injury sustained during the Christmas season. Mong who failed preliminary fitness tests will be out for another month while promising right-back Edward James is still struggling with fitness issues.

Dear Emma

2008-07-05T18:32:00.000+08:00

Dear Emma,

Thank you so much for dropping a line. If you also have a blog please forward me it's link, I'd love to read it and link it to mine. I guess you are doing fine... I'm responding to your comment not on a personal level nor is it meant to hit your fine country, our neighbour, Indonesia. This is just a part of the debate which I'm looking forward to continuing.

Anyhoo,

I do appreciate on the imput on some facts on the Indonesian market. You do realize that the Indonesian population is some 228 million people, which is roughly almost 10 times more then the estimated 27.5 million people. Therefore, I'd like you to analize the ratio of sales to the "market".

Of course everywhere will be talking about the volume of record sales but here, as we are speaking on local support, let us analyze on how many locals are really supporting the industry.
Even with Peter Pan's record of 3 million copies sold in Indonesia, it's actualy about only one in a million who is buying.

Their "rezeki" on being blessed with good looks or brilliant minds and making money out of it was never at question in the first place. Lets say if they had to rely solely on the music, how would they survive? I take back what I said on the reliability of the Indonesian bands on Malaysia to make them rich. My apologies there. I now agree Malaysia on it's own doesn't put food on the plate for the Indonesian bands, I'm not even questioning the Malaysian devotion towards Indonesian bands. I'm only asking my fellow Malaysians to look and love what we have.

Emma,

How would you feel if your local telco (in our case MAXIS) sponsors a stadium, theme park concert for foreign acts? Indonesian acts included...when on the other side we are struggling to get sponsors, permits, running into trouble with the cops, venues(always some hall or club) for our bands-established and upcoming to perform. Amy Search performed in Limkokwing, Butterfingers performing in Ruums soon.

Thanks Fly Fm for having the Campur Chart, but you could have banged the one year anniversary in a stadium or make it feel real Ozzfest, Woodstock like. Maybe next year...i hope!

Thanx Emma...hoping to hear from you soon.

p.s. Emma was kind enough to leave a comment clarifying some facts on my previous post Local Scene Blues

Check this out:

2008-06-27T15:22:00.003+08:00

Damn Funny...

Take Some Time From Your "INTERESTING" Lives & Watch These

THANX

The Hero

2008-06-17T14:53:00.004+08:00

Looking at the window from a distance, the hero knows he isn't welcomed in the castle. It wasn't stated in word nor in writing, but he feels the vibe. It wasn't that he was hated, or so he thought, but rather not the preferred one.

The hero in the rain

A glance downwards saw an image of himself in a puddle, and he could understand why he might have not been preferred. Standing facing the mirror is a man, complete with faults and blessed with shortcomings and filled with fortitude to expose them to the world to see and judge.

He still remains a flawed posture of calmness with cracks showing only to a selected few whom have developed the vision to look through his emotional armour. It has always been this way. He never shows other emotions beside joy and anger. He compresses them inside so much, he feels empty at times.

(To be continued...)

I Have Faith

2008-06-11T13:16:00.000+08:00

I was browsing youtube and I came across loads of things from football skills to magic tricks to google tricks and I found some anti-faith clips. I got pissed off and here's my RANT.

BE FOREWARNED:

I AM NOT ON A "GUARANTEED" STAIRWAY(can't help it) TO HEAVEN, AND I'M NOT DOING THIS TO SOMEHOW GET INTO GOD'S GOOD BOOKS.

I'M DOING THIS BECAUSE THIS PISSES ME OFF

Religion to me :

A knowledge of a greater power besides us. Yes, even people that believe in aliens being that greater power, to me, has found a religion. If people think winds and waves or Satan is the greater power, they too have found religion.

Faith:

Now, faith, to me is the manner of which we pay homage to that greater power; a ritual in accordance to religion. Therefore, we have all sorts of mannerisms and symbols of faith, reflecting religion, from praying 5 times a day and abstinence from meat to celibacy and offerings.

Building on this, I feel some youtubers are going a bit too far in dismissing OUR FAITH. Full marks for effort though after watching the audio-visual synchronization, the lengths of research...wow!

I just can't stand the fact that people who don't believe in God, regardless of how we address Him, can't accept the fact there are millions and millions of other people who actually DO believe.

What's up with the proving faith wrong through science?

There was one particular clip who claimed a scientific reason behind Jesus walking on water as, "...freeze water, it becomes ice, then walk on it." I trust the person who wrote and the people who saw the feat can tell ice from water. Moreover, they were on a BOAT...and i doubt they made freezers back then.

What's up with using philosophy to reason God's ability?

Here's the thingy : "If God was so great, could He build a rock so heavy, He can't lift it?"
The argument is if He can lift it, it means He failed to build a rock heavy enough, and if He can't lift it, He fails as a "understrengthed" God.

I think you can't compare the two comparatives on the account that you are comparing two totally different attributes; strength and architecture. Diagnostically, he can do both because they are of two different fields. He can build a rock so heavy because of his building skills and at the same time he can carry it because he has the strength.

The Bible is a work of fiction?

They argue that the Bible and I presume all other documented faith based books are fictitious because of the "unrealistic tales." The story of Abraham or Ibrahim's sacrifice for our Muslim brothers and sisters has been deemed fiction. Of course, we are going through blind faith, but if that is all we have...so be it!

So, in about 3000 years, as people begin to study our present culture and events, how do you think they are going to rate Hitler and gang? Maybe we wont need that long, in the space of 500 years, Hang Jebat has overtaken Hang Tuah to become the new hero.

Final word to faith haters, if we have lived our lives with strong belifs in what you call "bullshit", watching 7 minutes or 70 hours of your "revelations" will not swing us to your side. If for any reason you are right that there's no God and afterlife, well good for you, but I don't think you can really gloat seeing that there is no afterlife for you to gloat...and if you are wrong about God's existance, the afterlife or Heaven and Hell, well at least we can gloat wherever we meet :)

RM 2.70?

2008-06-10T13:15:00.000+08:00

Am I supposed to be glad that the two-tiered subsidy didn't come to effect just because I drive a 1.8 Mazda? The increase in petrol price is another thing I needed to FUCK UP my idle Wednesday. Thanks so much!

Some honesty in the build up could have been nice and maybe a little easier to swallow. Nevertheles, knowing Pak Lah, a sudden and stiffening rise as such should have been anticipated. I guess history does repeat itself.

Lets take 3 examples:

1st : I will not get married...he does a while later
2nd : Parliment will not be dissolved tomorrow...next day, dissolved
3rd : There will be no increase(in petrol prices)...now we pay RM 2.70/l

4th : I will not step down...times like this I don't really mind

Have we elected a mind games freak to the helm?
Does he think we like playing guessing games?
Is "subliminal messages" a new national policy?

WHAT THE FUCK?

Even cops in Hindustan movies fire better warning shots.

Now comes the Ubah Gaya Hidup bullshit..
Personally, how else are we going to ubah gaya?

Plant vegetables at the empty spaces of our house and high rise units to plant hydroponic vegetables was their dumb suggestions. From working to the jammed up commute how are we going to upkeep our little kebun?

Along those lines...will the government suggest we start some swine-breeding at home instead of electing them to office? Or are we going to be the FIRST vegetarian country?

MALAYSIA BOLEH!

Are our bosses going to increase our wages to help with the NEW & IMPROVED(not) cost of living? Or do you prefer waiting till August when petrol is rumoured to go up another 30sen?

Imagine This

2008-06-10T10:37:00.002+08:00

The Ultimate Rejection:

Your hand falling asleep while masturbating

Air Drumming

2008-05-22T10:53:00.004+08:00

Here's what happened..

I was caught up listening to a killer tune by Led Zeppelin - Kashmir at work earlier in the day. I saw my boss leaving the office and the interns were all called in for a meeting at the conference room.

I was layaning the tune and happily air drumming and air guitaring with the occasional miming, Axl Rose style. I was in my own world. The song was about 9 minutes, so i had fun...till I felt the sudden urge to fart.

I held it in.

Waiting for it to build up.

Put the other side of my earphones on.

Cranked up the volume.

Layan a bit more.

Waited for a drum roll.

Air drummed to it.

Waited for the last and final hit on the crash.

RIPPED A LOUD ONE!

Looked left to see my boss and the interns were there.

One of the interns closed their nose.

Which came along with a gag reaction.

I can't blame her.

It was one SMELLY fart.

MALUFIED!!

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

2008-05-20T13:13:00.000+08:00

This kid's got some skill..
Check out..

California Dreaming

Whiter Shade of Pale

All You Need Is Love

Definition: Agony

2008-05-20T12:46:00.000+08:00

What is the definition of Agony?

A one-armed man hanging off a cliff with itchy balls.

Oh The Internet

2008-05-17T09:30:00.013+08:00

Just some random pictures I found through the net

Gets you thinking about rape, huh?

Happy Redneck Burfday!

Smart

I wish!

My hobby

Who in the world would buy this piece of shit?

Try explaining this to me..I mean really..please..

What If?

2008-05-16T18:05:00.005+08:00

I just hope laws like this never make it in our country.

The only thing that the Jabatan Hasil Dalam Negeri has not yet taxed is the male penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemlpoyed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts.

Effective January 1st, 2009 your penis will be taxed according to size.

The brackets are as follows:

10"- 12" Luxury Tax..........$30.00

8"- 10" Pole Tax.............$25.00

5"- 8" Privilege Tax.........$15.00

4"- 5" Nuisance Tax..........$3.00

Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains. Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund. PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!!!

Sincerely,
Pecker Checker
Jabatan Hasil Dalam Negeri

*****NOTE*****

We are still waiting for answers for the following questions:- Are there penalties for early withdrawals? - What if one's penis is self employed? - Do multiple partners count as a corporation? - Are condoms a deductible expense as work clothes? - Is there an additional tax if you are not circumcised?

Fill This Up

2008-05-16T14:10:00.000+08:00

Name:______________________________
SOCIAL SECURITYNo:____________________
ADDRESS:___________________________
CITY:__________________________________
STAFF ELEMENT:_____________________
MALE:___________ FEMALE:___________
HOME PHONENo.:________________________
OFFICE PHONENo.:______________________
SEXUAL PREFERENCE:
Male - Female
Female - Female
Male - Male
All of the Above
None of the Above - Please Specify:_____________________

I CONSENT TO THE FOLLOWING FORMS OF SEXUAL HARRASSMENT:

Salutatory Greeting: _____________________
Eye-to-Eye Contact: ______________________
Eye-to-Bust Contatct: ____________________
Eye-to-Below Waist Contact: ______________
Heavy breathing on neck: _________________
ear: _________________
other: _________________
Hands on body: ________________________
shoulder: ________________________
waist: ________________________
Gluteus Maximus: ________________
other: __________________________

Feelies: _________________________________
Gropies: _________________________________
Penetration (however slight): ____________
Other: ___________________________________

All of the Above: ________________________

MISCELLANEOUS: I WILL I WILL NOT
1. Assist in procurement of various potions, lotions, products,appliances, etc. to be used during sexual harassment.
2. Assist in procurement and maintenance of various types of substaining apparatus.3. Clean up.

I CERTIFY THAT I WILL ACCEPT SEXUAL HARASSMENT FROM:
Anyone: __________________________________
Anyone But: _______________________________
Only: ____________________________________

SIGNATURE: _______________________________________ DATE:____________________

This form is to be reviewed by immediate supervisor annually, prior toperformance rating and evaluation.

Nose Shit

2008-05-10T12:04:00.005+08:00

Was talking to the BOSSES about some project deadline for the advert's text. The meeting was pretty intense with me presenting on my choice. I was fiesty...wiry in fact. I wasn't going to take no for an answer.

He looked pretty impressed. She was nodding as well.

THEN,

I decided to breathe out through my nose and a small ball of nose shit (booger) flew and landed mere centimeters from his middle finger.

HOW?

I sheepishly smiled, knocked it away and made like nothing happened. He said nothing. I think he noticed. He accepted my work though.

MALU!!

REAL Milestones in a Man's Life - 100% Ori

2008-05-03T12:29:00.002+08:00

Age 2
Being able to stand up and walk

Age 5
Washing/wiping own ass

Age 7
Going to school

Age 8
Learning to lie

Age 9
Using a pen to REALLY write

Age 11
Getting the tingly sensation from pulling the foreskin back more than 3times

Age 75
Actually remembering the tingly sensation

Lame!!

2008-05-02T14:15:00.005+08:00

So...it has been a very non productive month in terms of posts..

Anyhoo..
My back is killing me..
Picked up an injury during futsal..
Labour Day sucked..a bit..
It's been really tiring this week with band..
Father's in the hospital again..
Youtube's the only good thing this week...

click here and here

Local Scene Blues

2008-04-22T05:38:00.000+08:00

Anyone ever heard of the band Radja? Samson maybe? The one that sings the song Kenangan Terindah? Or maybe you have heard Padi? I'm sure you've heard Dewa 19? Their song, Pupus? Kasidah Cinta? How about the band Peterpan or Sheila on 7?

Damn big names here in Malaysia rite? I mean loads of albums being sold, special concerts and awards all going to them. Give credit where its due right? So far, I have no real problems with the music they SELL (or do they call it play?). I kinda dig some of the tunes. Where are they from?

Well, this is a place to rant, and there will be some..

So...what's the real deal?

Indonesian bands here are very dominant to an extant that it overshadows our local acts. As I said, give credit where it's due, some Indonesian bands are good, but are they really as phenomenal back home in the streets of Jakarta?

The Malaysian general listener will automatically prefer music with Indonesian flavour. People actually prefer Radja and Samson and diss Spoon (not a real big fan of all 3). They play the same kind of music...and Malaysians prefer the one with Indonesian flavour. Well, here's a news flash.. Indonesian Pop/Rock bands' sales back in Indonesia are crap! They rely on us here in Malaysia to make them rich. People here worship the ground they walk on. It's ridiculous...but true.

How can this go on with radios and all blasting support your local scene. Well here's another nail in the back of the head... Have you heard Butterfingers on air? NO!! Our stations dedicate one pathetic chart a week and cramp the same old LOCAL ENGLISH bands in it! Why not let our bands mingle with the big boys of UK or the USA on air? Or are we giving our bands "preferential" treatment? Is there some kind of subliminal message saying our bands are not good enough to be played on our stations for our people to hear and enjoy (or critic..depends which side of the coin you prefer..you narcissistic b*stard..haha)

Speaking of not good enough...if lets say we had one band...local...playing the theme song for a international brand's promo...wouldn't that deserve some airtime which is not at bloody 3:45am when even the guards are asleep! Wouldn't it be cool having a band playing the theme for Nike? Well Seven Collar t-Shirt plays My Generation (not the Limp Bizkit version) and have we heard it on air? I don't think so...!

Outrage..at our local Anugerah Industri Musik, we have a special catergory for best Indonesian artiste. Do our bands get the same reception, honour there? Does the Best Malaysian Artiste Award get any recognition? NO!! Hell, I have reason to belive that our records are discarded over there.

Astro...what have you been doing all these years? Of all who won in reality music contests in Astro, Mawi is the only one seriously making it big...the arguement of whether he can sing or not, I wont discuss here. Is it the company policy to promote the wrong people? Of six Akademi Fantasias and three Blast Offs, I don't see anyone carrying their name without the tag "AF' behind their name besides Vince..You've got Khai AF, Adam AF, what the hell?

On that same note, how is pur local scene going to grow? Until when are our music going to be rated second class compared to Indonesia? Are we supposed to launch our songs outside of Malaysia and make it big outside..then only come back and play it on radio.

We've seen it with Guy Sebastian and Che'nelle. They migrate and make it big and here comes our local radios in line to play their songs. It doesn't matter if the artiste spent one hour here or a week, but as long as the artiste migarates and make it big...here comes the Anak Malaysia tag! BULLSHIT!!

From the way I see it, our musicians can kiss the dream of making it big locally goodbye, until we can make less of a mockery of Akademi Fantasia and promote really talented musicians. Thank God for youtube...

How about us?

2008-04-20T03:25:00.000+08:00

Well..again as I was NOT searching porn on the net, I was asked to go to this blog by Khristabelle (free publicity). It was very interesting to see some pictures there. I tried so hard not to fall in love...

Anyhoo, here's a link to Crystal's blog and I must say this might be a reason why Mr Keris Swinging has backed down. I'm sorry this is no rant about something political. It's just something i found damn interesting. It's a long shot but I bet you can build theories.. *hint *hint

Told you she has nice hands.

NIce Hands

2008-04-16T11:58:00.001+08:00

Told you she has nice hands.

2008-04-16T11:58:00.000+08:00

Told you she has nice hands.

An Incomplete Post for Nan

2008-04-14T11:10:00.003+08:00

All those times of wishing she'd cook my favourite food linger in my heart as I woke up at 5.45 am. It was easier pretending nothing mattered and enerything was and will be fine. In an instant my thoughts stumbled upon random memories of her. I admit not all were sweet but priceless nevertheless.

I remember as far as when I was so much younger and how much it meant spending time there. At that time of course, it was the environment that engulfed me. Those times were so carefree and loose. From catching grasshoppers to playing in the mud, all of it was done there.

I remembering seeing her at my front door with bags and bags of food. I also remember driving her everywhere, from the bank to the doctor's, from KL to market. The works! I remember how she'd never sleep in the car and how she periodically clears her throat to keep me awake.

Still a dome of sorrow looms as i thought about the last time I brought her to the clinic. I wish something better was done. I always thought I could have had more time with her. Maybe, just maybe, if

Updates From K6, UPM

2008-04-05T02:30:00.002+08:00

Korang tau tak..

1. si worsop a.k.a jung a.k.a ular sawa nipis kini bekerja sebagai tukang masak untuk PLKN di Sarikei, Sarawak. Beliau dibayar RM624.32 sen sebulan.

2. mutu kumar yang keretanya dicalar dua kali semasa menyontot..i mean menuntut di K6 telahpun membeli kereta baru Limited Edition. Malangnya keretanya hanya boleh bergerak ke depan selepas reverse sedikit dan memang payah untuk kona baring. Beliau telah beli kereta Ferrari di Shell.

3. setelah tamatnya pelajaran mereka (Darian, Awe Snepa, Deng, Didi, Kutam Babi dan Jung) dan kemerosotan kunjungan ke cafe KC oleh Bunjai, Zaki, Acu, Harun, Sadam dan beberapa orang lagi pada semester lepas, cafe KC telah mengumumkan pengurangan defasit sebanyak RM 16.52juta dan dijangka akan mula mencapai keuntungan RM 10.00 pada minggu ke-8 semester depan. Walau bagaimanapun, keuntungan ini hanya boleh tercapai jika Bondoy menyetelkan hutang nama-nama yang tersenarai di atas.

4. setelah mengalami kekalahan tipis, calon MIC Mohan Das enggan dilantik sebagai menteri dalam Kementerian Alkohol dan Tembakau. Beliau menyatakan hasrat untuk mendirikan rumah dan tangga adalah faktor utama merehatkan diri dari politik.

Sekian,

Darian Henry

Pak Lah Must Not Step Down...Yet!

2008-03-31T21:42:00.000+08:00

I've been seeing and reading of calls for Pak Lah to step down. Some may call it irony or repetition - remember Anwar asking for Tun Dr M to bow down "honourably."

Remember this?
''Dr. Mahathir must accept the facts, hear the grievances of the people, of his own people, the Malaysian people, Mahathir's people and withdraw from the scene in an honorable manner," - Oct 1998 - of course it was regarding the Reformasi which viewing the circumstances I will be hit by comments that it is not the same as Pak Lah's situation...but spare a thought and remember closely...he stepped down in 2002...honorably? Maybe...

What did you think would happen to the country if Tun resigned after he was asked to?
If he did, our economy plunge so far down we could see Satan! We were already at an economic low at that time and all activists should thank goodness he stood firm.

If it wasn't for him standing firm, no PKR...no Opposition alliances...yet maybe and more importantly nothing to gloat or blog about nearly a decade later!

I am not criticizing the voice of the Rakyat in the elections nor am I buying front row seats to the gallows but if Pak Lah steps down now, Malaysia will have to be on guard. I'm not Nostradamus or do I want to be, but, are we ready for a political, social and economic turmoil?

By Pak Lah resigning now, wouldn't it theoretically bring us closer to a modern day Hang Tuah in full glory of keris swinging...a lost art some might say. :)

From what's happening in Perak, even the Opposition might not be able to take sell the idea of a Bangsa Malaysia. Racial composition again? After tonnes and tonnes of Bangsa Malaysia and Barisan Rakyat ideas, this?

NIAMAH!! (did i say it right, Pat?)

Go ahead and be heard! Anyone from Dato' Mukhriz and his dad to the trishaw puller in Malacca, or anyone who wants an immediate change of leadership in Malaysia voice out!

But if you ask me, if Pak Lah resigns now, it's like looking up with your mouth open just as shit is flung towards the fan! In the future however, if he steps down for reasons unmentioned now, we'll never know, would we?

Happpy April Fool's Day To Mario...and to All!

2008-03-31T00:15:00.001+08:00

I was browsing NOT looking for porn, when i came across this. I'm so sure Mario would love it. I just hope he's reading...

A little blind girl goes up to her mum and says, "Mummy, mummy, when will I be able to see?"
Her mum replies "I'll tell you what, I'll take you to the chemist and get you some special cream for your eyes and you will be able to see in the morning."
So off they went to the chemist, got the cream, and went home, all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited at the prospect of being able to see again. Once they got home, the mother put the cream on the little girls eyes, wrapped a bandage around her head, and took her to bed.
The following morning the little girl stumbled into her mums bedroom and excitedly shouted "Quick mummy, take off the bandage so that i will be able to see again."
So the mother slowly took of all the bandages, taking her time, and all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited. Once they were off the little girl said "But mummy, I still can't see."
To which the mother replied, "April fool!"

How?

2008-03-30T00:40:00.004+08:00

Little did she know, moments before the fight, he was trying to move into his new house today. While munching on two cookies he was pestering Bitch Boy to get the keys. It was on his fifth trip to the car where he loaded about thirty-five kilograms of stuff as he received her call.

In his mind, he was calculating if he could finish moving today as the weather has already turned gloomy. He thought he made a SMRT! move by not worrying her. Hence, he did not mention anything about the plan to move.

He wanted to finish moving today n follow her tomorrow but at the same time did not want to get her hopes up by prematurely agreeing to follow only to cancel later on. All he wanted to know was what exactly will she and her friends will be doing.

She cut him off. He got annoyed. Now, he is sitting and waiting for her to call even though she already swore not talking to him anytime soon. He now waits. He loves her...

Sex Quotes

2008-03-28T19:29:00.002+08:00

*blush

1. "It's so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
Joan Rivers

2. "If it wasn't for pick-pockets and frisking at airports I'd have no sex life at all."
Rodney Dangerfield

3. "Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that money can buy."
Steve Martin.

4. "My girlfriend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert' I said, 'that's a big word for a girl of nine'."
Emo Philips.

5. "When I'm good I'm very, very good but when I'm bad I'm better."
Mae West.

6. "What's wrong with a little incest? It's both handy and cheap."
James Agate

7. "I think people should be free to engage in any sexual practices they choose; they should draw the line at goats though."
Elton John.

8. "My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects."
Les Dawson

9. "I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own."
Woody Allen

10. "A terrible thing happened to me last night again - Nothing."
Phyllis Diller

11. "The Love Bird is 100% faithful to his mate, as long as they are locked together in the same cage."
Will Cuppy

12. "Bisexuality doubles your chances of a date on a Saturday night."
Woody Allen

13. "My best birth control now is to leave the lights on."
Joan Rivers

14. "It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on."
Marylyn Munroe.

15. "Oh Lord, give me chastity, but do not give it yet."
St Augustine

16. "The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutan trying to play the violin."
Honore de Balzac

17. "My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty."
Woody Allen

18. "Happiness is watching the TV at your girlfriend's house during a power failure."
Bob Hope

19. "I'm glad I'm not bisexual. I couldn't stand being rejected by men as well as women."
Bernard Manning.

20. "I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath'. For three years my husband and I slept on bunk beds."
Joan Rivers

21. "I chased a girl for two years only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: We were both crazy about girls."
Groucho Marx

22. "She said he proposed something on their wedding night that even her own brother wouldn't have suggested."
James Thurber

23. "My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often."
Emo Philips.

24. "It is impossible to obtain a conviction for sodomy from an English jury. Half of them don't believe that it can physically be done, and the other half is doing it."
Winston Churchill

25. "You know of course that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery, are now extinct."
Somerset Maugham

Of Curry Debal and Hopeful Churches Part 3 - It Is Called 'A Place To Rant"

2008-03-27T13:40:00.000+08:00

Well, what makes the Portuguese people think they deserve a Church? Is it jealousy that every other race in the country, which congregates in a close geographical proximity, has a place of worship? Or maybe it’s because the only full-fledged Roman Catholic saint who walked the lands of Malacca and by the way cursed it to slumber, was not really Portuguese (he was of Navarre origin, by the way)? Or is it because there is no more land in the Portuguese Settlement?

NO OFFENSE TO ANY OF MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS OF DIFFERENT FAITHS. THIS PART IS JUST TO SHOW COMPARISON AND IN NO WAY IS MEANT ANY PREJUDICE, MALICE OR DISRESPECT.

Take a look at Take a look at any Malay kampung, there’s bound to be at least a surau somewhere. Even Pulau Melaka has a mosque when the place is practically lifeless. I can’t buy bullshit even if it’s on discount but if they were to say that the Portuguese community is a small community, then what about the Chitty Melaka, they have a temple. Or is the trend of breaking temples the new in-thing and the small Gajah Berang temple is on the list?

I hope I can personally smack the cheek of the next person who comes up and say that there is no more land for a church in the Portuguese Settlement. The issue of a hotel to come up in the Settlement was very easily settled when everyone believed there was no land. I think it was probably settled like this:

“Dato’, there’s no more land herelah to build the hotel. How ah?”

“Reclaim the sealah, we’ve done it to build Melaka Raya. Do the same here!”

I can only hope that when “hotel” is replaced with “cathedral (oh, come on, you know how it works, ask for a thigh, you’ll get a toe)”, the answer will be the same!

As far as I know, Melaka has the most inter-religious understanding. Melaka boasts Temple Street, a street where a mosque, a Hindu temple and Buddhist temple sit next to each other. With that, I don’t think the spawn of a new church would cause any distress in the local community.

To rub salt to the would, the only place of worship near to a Portuguese community will eventually stick out like a sore thumb in a few years time. Praya Lane as I know it is slowly diminishing to make way for urbanization. The land has been sold to developers and one by one; memories of childhood are torn down together. With the soon non-existence of Praya Lane, the chapel will remain but it will cease to be a bastion of the Portuguese Catholics, the jenti Kristang.

Currently, the Mass in the Settlement is celebrated every week with at least 300 (Leonidis is not involved) people attending…and it’s held in a community hall. Yes, Jesus was a simple man, born in a stable and worked as a carpenter but why compromise worship and confine it to a hall which can hardly sit 200 people? The worship has to be grand but if the worshipers are simple, Hallelujah!

It is not cool letting people believe the illusion that the HALL is overflowing with people that many others have to stand outside! Wouldn’t it be easier to pray in a little bit of comfort? I’m not talking a robot choir, air conditioning, 3D glasses, just enough places for everyone to sit inside and some fans.

Speaking of halls, the chapel in Convent of the Infant Jesus, Banda Hilir has been made into a badminton hall. Wow…creative huh? I don’t think the guys over at Casa Impian could have come up with such a brilliant conversion!

Here’s a hint to THE MAN, you (plural – it’s a Rock & Roll slang) have one parliamentary term to get cracking after calls to buck up to try to redeem yourselves! Do the right thing. No, the Kristang de Padre se Chang don’t want their hall converted into a chapel. They want a religious complex with facilities ranging from classrooms to places for fellowship.

Thank you for reading.

Of Curry Debal and Hopeful Churches Part 2 - Portuguese Heartache

2008-03-26T19:15:00.000+08:00

Nearly 500 years later, a small Portuguese Community still stands along the shoreline of Melaka. Although the residents don’t really look like white Bengalis anymore, but the tradition, language, food, beliefs and religion are still strongly practiced.

The Portuguese Settlement is flocked by the thousands (in total) in late June during festivals like Festa San Juang and Festa San Pedro. Around six months later, the crowd would just come out of every nook and corner to see a snow less winter wonderland. It’s just madness (in a good way) to see the lights and decorations from every house. Giant Santa Clauses and mechanical sleighs just complete the hospitality of the people at the most wonderful time of the year…at least according to Andy Williams.

Christmas in Portuguese Settlement

It is also safe to say that Christianity, or the Roman Catholic faith came along with the Portuguese in 1511. (There are claims that the Nestorian faith landed in Mongolian lands, but that’s beyond the point) The ruins of a church, The Madre de Dios (Mother of Christ*) Church on St Paul’s Hill accentuate the claim that the first Portuguese were Catholics. However, the oldest performing Catholic Church in Melaka, St Peter’s Church was erected only in 1710 on land donated by Dutchman Maryber Franz Amboer.

Interestingly, the descendants of the first Catholics in Malaysia do not have a Church to boast in their back yard. They have a Catholic school which is no longer run by the men or women in robe. Thankfully enough some Catholic elements still stand strong. There’s also a sudden emergence of a certain hotel, which most probably were influenced by Goa or some other Portuguese conquest in India. The architecture seems just about Portuguese, with canons facing the sea and a small courtyard in the middle but the cuisine somewhat questionable. However empathic I may be, I do find a Nasi Kandar based menu quite far from the likes of Dabel (Devil) Curry or the Portuguese baked fish.

Debal Curry

Imagine food-lovers who waltz in the hotel’s cafeteria and asks for the menu, wouldn’t that bring shame to the hotel or even worst, the community...macha! The nerve! Anyhoo, we shall continue the story about the hotel some other time.

Work is Work

2008-03-26T15:11:00.005+08:00

I woke up late this morning to the sounds of my MONOPHONIC, CAMERALESS phone ringing for me to be wished good morning. Laziness sat over me like a dark cloud. I admit I was about to succumb to it. I was going to call up the office and lie through my teeth about some overrated medical condition. Then I thought of what Scott told Paul sometime ago.

It was quite late or early in the morning (bloody politically correct people) when we decided to play Counter-Strike after shisha and mamak. Clifford and I was then in a non-profit organization called JOBLESS.ORG while JaQhua,Zach and Edward had the next day off. Paul and Scott were the only ones who had to wake up in less than 3hours.

"Cannot make it la..tomorrow work..I tired, balls."
"OK"
"No hal"
"I also sleepy dy"
"Come la..go home"
"Eh, Paul...chill la..I also work tomorrow"
"You sit at the desk, balls...I must change gearbox"
"Relax la..I also got work...must get up early, balls...lepak is lepak...work is work, Paul. We lepak today...Zach, Edward, Darian all down..."
"OK...1 hour la..."

So we went to play Counter-Strike and had fun like an 8-year old. Around 4.30am all of us went home to sleep.

When we met for breakfast(around 3.30pm- I got up at 7.00am...I SWEAR)...

"Paul sure never go work"
"Went, balls. He called me from office so that I'd believe him"
"Yes, balls. He called me also"
"You guess who my mother and I saw this morning"
"Who?"
"Who, balls?"
"OG?"
"Balls OG, I saw Scott, smiling out of Dr Pandu's Clinic...holding MC in his hands"

WORK IS WORK, eh?

Of Curry Debal and Hopeful Churches Part 1 - Malaccan History...Briefly

2008-03-25T13:20:00.001+08:00

Let’s just say on an idle Saturday afternoon, an Average Joe takes a two-hour drive (assuming he follows the speed limit) down south from the Klang Valley, he most probably would end up at the Ayer Keroh toll plaza. For those who don’t know, Ayer Keroh is one of three toll exits leading to the state of Melaka. It is also the nearest to the Historical City of Melaka itself.

Malacca Coat of Arms

The drive down to the city itself would tease Joe’s eyes to fascinating places to visit; the Crocodile Farm, the Melaka Zoo, arguably the next best thing after Taiping Zoo, the Butterfly Farm, a man-made waterfall, and the Spice Garden among others. A short drive later, as Joe hits the heart of the city, shopping havens like Jonker Walk, Bunga Raya Road and a few other malls would definitely give him a run for his money and around the corner, places like the Clock Tower, Istana Melaka Museum, A Famosa would just fascinate him so much, he’d be wishing he paid more attention when Puan Safiatun taught History.

Anyways, fasten your seat belt, here’s a short trip down memory lane. Around 1400, Parameswara founded Melaka. He embraced Islam and was known as Sultan Iskandar Shah. He ruled Melaka until the year 1414 when Sultan Megat Iskandar Shah reigned. The Melaka Sultanate continued it’s supremacy throughout the century for which Melaka grew as the number one port in the world. Even China sent her princess, Hang Li Po who married Sultan Mansur Shah and Admiral Cheng Ho along with fleets of diplomats and traders to Melaka. Melaka was also the first foreign government to have strong Sino-Melaka relations after Sultan Iskandar Shah paid tribute to the Ming Dynasty.

Somewhere along this era, legends were born and bred. Melaka boasted the earliest Malayan heroes through the likes of Tun Perak, Hang Tuah and his brave brotherhood, Jebat, Lekir, Lekiu and Kasturi and the exemplary administration from Sultan Muzaffar Shah to the reign of Sultan Alauddin Riayat Shah.

Melaka also faced lacking leadership which indirectly led to her fall to the Portuguese. The “White Bengalis”, as they were referred to by the Indian traders came not as conquerors of evangelists but more in search of trade. With the capture of Lopez de Sequeira, the Portuguese retaliated by conquering Melaka and capturing her on the 24^th August 1511.

The Way It Was In The Fifties...

2008-03-16T13:15:00.007+08:00

I wonder if this will ever be brought back in schools. The excerpt below is REAL and was taken from a US Home Economics text book in the fifties...

How to be a Good Wife

Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a
delicious meal--on time. This is a way of letting him know that you
have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs.
Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good
meal is part of the warm welcome needed.

Prepare yourself. Take fifteen minutes to rest so that you'll be
refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in
your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of
work-weary people. Be a little gay(HAPPY) and a little more interesting.
His boring day may need a life.

Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of
the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up the school
books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables.
Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order,
and it will give you a lift, too.

Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's
hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if
necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he
would like to see them playing the part.

Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise
of the washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the
children to be quiet. Be happy to see him; greet him with a smile
and be glad to see him.

Some don'ts: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't
complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with
what he might have gone through that day. Make him comfortable.
Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in
the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his
pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft,
soothing, and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.

Listen to him. You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the
moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.

Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to
dinner or to other places of entertainment. Instead, try to
understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home
and relax.

Your goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where
your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.

Rules for Bedroom Golf

2008-03-07T14:56:00.002+08:00

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club
and two balls.

2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep
the balls out of the hole.

4. For most effective play, the club should be a firm shaft. Course
owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid
damage to the hole.

6. The object of this game is to take as many strokes as necessary until
the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete.
Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the
course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon
arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to
admire the entire course, with special attention to well-formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or
are playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course
owners have been known to damage players' equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.

10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been scheduled,
particularly when a new course is being played for the first time.
Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover
someone else playing on what they consider to be a private course.

A Bear and a Rabbit

2008-03-01T04:20:00.005+08:00

A Bear and a Rabbit was taking a dump in the forest...

"Hey Rabbit...do you have any problems with shit getting stuck in your fur?"
"No."

So, the Bear picks up the Rabbit and wipes his ass...

Year of The Leopard

2008-02-23T13:54:00.008+08:00

Once upon a time...Zach and Paul were having a conversation about the Chinese Zodiac and...

I born year of the Rabbit...Scott same...Clifford born (in the year of the) Dragon, I think.
Darian?
Rat..You?
I? Leopard, balls... *proud
Leopard? Got ah? How come? *trying to recall all 12 animals
Cos i BLACK! *prouder
''-.- *sweat That panther, balls!
Oh! Same, balls

The Last Line

2008-02-21T08:22:00.002+08:00

The smell of nicotine and alcohol combined together in an air-conditioned room floats me back to my childhood. Stings of yesteryears eat through my head as I stood there. Images as vivid as photographs came creeping in and I know that I must be looking like a mentally challenged jackass, smiling and looking blankly into the lighted signboard of the washrooms.

As a child I practically grew up in a pub owned by my uncles. They are the best Country & Western band in the country and they played, if memory serves me right, every night in their pub. Everyone looked forward to go to the pub every night which meant lesser playing hours for my cousins and I in the day because we’ll party all night. Well, everything had it's price.

Soon, you will notice my indulgences in my own monologues are often disturbed by someone or something. In this case, Ramon pulled me out of my daze warning me on the time left before we were supposed 2 go up. I sensed his eagerness. He had gone through a shit load of practice to come this far...we all did. Although it was supposed to be a surprise, but by her showing up at the mamak with almost a bus load of friends (one in particular had an ass till next Tuesday), I was happy she came.

“Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!!!”

2008-02-20T21:51:00.000+08:00

A guy’s walking past an asylum, and can hear all the inmates inside screaming at the top of their lungs, “Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!!!”. He peeks through a hole in the fence to see what all the commotion is about, and a finger suddenly pops out and jabs him in the eye. He yells in pain, and the inmates all start gleefully shouting, “Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!!!”.

Bear Beer

2008-02-05T13:42:00.001+08:00

Intrudu came. Although I thought it's rather soon to celebrate since it's hardly a month since Nan's funeral (GOD REST HER SOUL), we still decided to have some fun after the splashing.

Afternoon came and we were getting ready for the annual fancy-dress (cross-dress) football and Mangs and I were pulling out our respective mother's clothes...from blouses to blusher and even fake moles like Sharifah Aini.

However, we were disappointed by last minute cancellations made by the ever so efficient organizers. *snort !

We decided to sit at the Padang and watch the Soccerstars (including Scott...shit) play football. In the meantime, Zach, Edward and Clifford went to get a few beers. When they came back, I knew they saw things my way...

They came back with cans and cans of Bear Beer. With it's 12% alcohol, everyone got a bit more drunk than usual.

Edward got an earful for trying to miss his bus...Zach drove home stoned...Clifford, Mangs and I walked home shoulder to shoulder to shoulder with cuts and tears on our feet from the bare-footed, alcohol-infused street soccer.

Mangs and I vomited and slept.

About Her

2007-10-25T16:15:00.006+08:00

The Subuh prayers hits the quiet night breaking the silence slowly. This is the type of feeling that would just creep in and suddenly blindsides you, changing the whole ambiance suddenly into a depiction of divine serenity. I guess it works everywhere from the chanting of the monks to the opening prayers of an old priest, solemn and yet embracing.

Anyways, the azan signals my night is up and I wasted most of it on stupid “what if” innuendos about our relationship. I must admit that whichever way I look at it I have only myself to blame. I knew that falling for her would be a humongous mistake…catastrophic to me.

Well, I got my head stuck so deep, now I’m eating out of her hand. Like how a taxidermist lures a squirrel to come to him right before he knocks it out cold. The best part is the squirrel won’t know when it gets knocked out.

I have good friends who told me to just wing it and take my chances with her but; I also had better friends saying I shouldn’t get involved however, hats off to my best friends who just refused to get involved my twisted little romance.

What do they know? I bet none of them ever felt this way. I bet none of them can comprehend the feeling I had when from under the spotlight, smack in the middle of the stage, I saw her sitting in the corner of the room, moments before my drummer kicked up a monster beat from Led Zeppelin.

They wouldn’t know what it was like singing their hearts out for that one particular person. How with every love song or when my band does it we like to call them rock ballads, in your heart you are just screaming, “This one’s for you, baby”, or how there’s no more tiredness when you go off stage just to see her smiling at you with beautiful eyes gleaming in pride and awe.

Need a woman gonna hold my hand
Won't tell me no lies, make me a happy man

Black Dog, 1971

This Time Around

2007-10-22T17:45:00.001+08:00

I felt it even before I awoke. The gloominess arose slowly like the scent of cheap perfume on a woman; disturbing yet unavoidable. I refused to open my eyes. I feel it. I feel the sadness of a thousand deaths and I know I can’t hide in bed all day.

I open my eyes. The depression squeezes me; it smashes my heart as I get out of bed only to see a glimpse of happier times through a picture of us. We looked perfect. It was like a shot taken from a Hollywood movie. I had her in my arms with our faces cheek to cheek. We were just too perfect together. Nothing could ever bring us apart until that night…

My nostalgic trip down memory lane was cut short by a phone call. Mom called. She too sensed my depression. Well, with my attempted suicide a couple of years ago, Mom did not have to guess what kind of mood I woke up to today. Mom insisted I spend the day over at their place. The idea doesn’t sound half bad. A home cooked meal for a change. I assured her I was fine and will be coming after I finish doing my stuff.

As I stood in the bathroom I imagined how the bathroom used to smell. Rosewood, lemon grass and all other fancy scents she used to buy. I wept. I really couldn’t take it. I haven’t even brushed my teeth.

I walked out of the bathroom not even bothering to have the decency to cover myself in a towel. I had to find two of my best companions over these past eight years, Mr Jack Daniels and Mr Johnnie Walker. I have to admit that they have brought me through all my hard times.
I turned on the television and flipped through the channels. I was hoping to watch some kind of lonely man comedy but all I got was talk shows. I hate them. Oprah’s show is such a drag for me to watch with all the mushiness radiating. I took another gulp of scotch and looked to the left. My guitar lay there ever so patiently and still tuned ever so perfectly. I picked it up and strummed E Minor, arguably the saddest chord in the repertoire.

As I hit the chord, grey pearls of my past burst in my mind, transforming my funeral themed room to a sunny day with an old oak tree in the middle, a picnic basket with food so much even gluttons cannot eat. I swear I heard her voice again. It was an angelic voice, which could make hell seem cheerful, even if it was just for one second. The best part about all this was she was there vivid and real, I can smell the white musk perfume that stole my heart.

The nostalgia was shredded by the reminder alarm from my mobile. It’s been ringing fervently this day every year for me to go to the graveyard. I have never done it. Somehow, I blame myself for what happened. The regret I have burns deep inside me till this very second. I have gone to the deepest depths just to see her again. I’ll say that the Spirit of the Coin game doesn’t work, neither does paying some shaman to contact her. I’ve even tried to sell my soul at some crossroads, like the Robert Johnson legend, but the devil never came.

Bottle Cap

2007-10-09T03:02:00.000+08:00

I finally made it...got a blog started. I know it's nothing much but when you've got trust issues, it's most probably better if I just let everyone know what is going on in my idle mind.

In no way is this blog thingy affiliated with drunkenness or intoxication of the bottle but maybe I plan to make this a blog sound like a man telling his stories to a bartender while downing some cheap compounded whiskey...like those guys we see so often in movies.

I would have never thought to start a blog. Therefore I proudly with a pinch of arrogance praise my own effort. Well...there was never much to really write about but lately i feel that maybe this is going to be one of the more creative front for me and also a brand new way to express myself.

nothing much.

ciao...

Darian Henry